The Filter

There are times when I am particularly critical of a topic, or you can hear the stress in my voice on something. But every time an advice of considerable importance escaped my lips, it reeks. Advices, made simple, consist of experiences earned or heard. The quality of both are subjected to the source that distilled it. Products of an impure filter can be anything but pure.

My advices are provided under the pretext that I wouldn't want you to make the mistake I managed to avoid or make. It stinks for I sniffed the effort of imposing superiority. It reeks for I dread the impotence of advices which consist of just ''should'' and not ''how''. And when I might be aggressive to ensure the acceptance of the filtered product, I felt the stance is taken not against the beaker but rather the filter itself. Mostly, directed at the filter who had tainted itself.

Is the effort of imposing superiority a psychological deficiency of my being, or is it a greater malady of mankind themselves, with the sense of insecurity as the mother, and the father, the Hollow within.

A vacuum would fill itself relentlessly if, matter is present. Insecurity, being the consequence of inferiority, would seek compensation and through the effort, it attains it. But fuel needs replenishment for infinity is as of yet, beyond reach.

The Hollow within, however, aspires a different remedy, though of the same nature. The narcissist are those least assured of themselves and thus, repeatedly solicit recognition. It can manifests its symptoms like an empty box being proud of the brand imprinted, a.k.a. fusion, with the perceived superior being. Or venture, as a sign of strength, to overcome the perceived superior.
Either way in the end is still external strength, without the contents inside to support it, the struggle would only continue, and gravitate.

Acknowledging the demerits in my being is the beginning of the war opposing my own shortcomings. Perhaps total victory would forever elude me but for now, I shall strive to tilt it to my favor for that's in my opinion at least, more practical......

Saja-.-

Sat idly one winter Sunday night while listening to the winds slamming the apartment. The winter here became warmer for a period, only to rise in its ferocity, maiming the unnoticed. Having a dysfunctional heater did help initially, to create the illusion that something is being done. But how long can the sense be cheated of the warmth it deserved?

Before coming here, I never believed that I would get sentimental. I don't think that I would ever miss home. I have heard of people going overseas and cried for the first few weeks or months. I came here and settled down without so much as shedding a tear. I have always believed that indulging in feelings, as in, to let yourself cry is just a sign of weakness. Independence is a virtue held highly within our society. Especially required of male is the image reflecting strength, we hailed it as what consist a man.

But isn't the human body efficient in dispelling what it needed to? Just like how the composites of absorbed substances is expelled through strenuous muscle movements, the way snots arouse the fingers to work or when an uninvited guest makes their entrances only to be blew away by the royal guards. Why do tears have to be held up when everything else can be exited, with assistance. It is not without reason that a feeling of euphoria is achieved when these are executed. It's the body's way of telling what should be rewarded.

Or maybe I was lying. I have actually been of the opinion that men should cry instead of withholding it. This thought is further reinforced after reading a book called I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. It's just that I never felt like crying.

However, on the day of my second departure to Japan... I cried.... Well, nobody came to the airport so no one could possibly see it. But even if anyone did come, they probably couldn't. I only let it flew when I turned my back on the people seeing me off. I wonder for how long would they stay healthy and when I come back would everything remain as it was. The fact that I cried startled even myself. I didn't cry on my first departure but rather on my second. Perhaps it's probably because that I finished my exam and have too much leisure in my mind? A mind as idle as mine now allows for space to be sentimental.

Somehow, I felt that everything is felt more deeply when I am too free. Instead of flowing through everything like a stream through the riverbank, now it felt like water droplets dripping upon a rough surface. I kind of appreciate things more I guess. Just lying on the wall in a ''cool'' posture and pretending to be looking at something while have your thoughts flow freely. Time pass faster this way than me reading a book in the train, sometimes. And the best part is letting others think that this guy is thinking VERY DEEP THOUGHTS. Imagine the looks on their faces and the thoughts in their brain :p

Being an only child who has lived in the same room with his parents since young, I like to do something before I sleep, which is to chat with my parents before dozing off into dreamland. But I hardly do that since I don't know when. I don't have any brothers or sisters to talk with me before sleeping either. So sometimes I really like apartment stays when I can do that with my friends. But you can't have that frequently anyway. Thus, I was quite happy to have a roommate to do that with now but I'm moving out alone. I even think of switching on my mic and webcam on my computer to do it with any friends but I guess it's pointless. (besides it would be damn weird)

That's what about me lately I guess- .- Going to have a freaking English and Japanese exam soon. If I'm good I can skip those classes to which I wonder if I can. AND EVERYONE PLEASE DON'T JUST USE THE SHOUTBOX, PUT SOME COMMENTS ON THE POSTS LA :P

Personality Test

Many Thanks to Soony for his ''INSPIRATION'' in helping me filling this blog:p

The test can be taken from here
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.asp

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Actually.... I kinda think all of it is true... so not much to comment-.- (except the last one(the front half))

Motherland (Lyrics copied from Gendou)

君が旅立つ日は　いつもと同じ
「じゃあね」と手を振った
まるで明日もまた　この街で会うみたいに
愛を信じるのは　自分にも負けないこと
夢が叶う日まで　笑顔のまま星を見て祈り捧げここにいるから

私は君にとっての空でいたい　哀しみまでも包み込んで
いつでも見上げるときは　ひとりじゃないと
遠くで思えるように　帰る場所であるように

君がいない街で　相変わらずに元気で過ごしてる
それが今私にできること　そう思うから
どんな出来事にも　隠れてる意味があるの
夢が消えかけても　自分らしくいてほしい
どんなときもここにいるから

涙失くすほど強くなくてもいい　疲れた心休ませてね
素敵な明日を願い眠りについて　小さな子供のように
この広い世界はつながってる　白い雲は流れ風になって
君のもとへ

私の声は届きますか?
あふれる気持ち言えなかった

私は君にとっての空でいたい　哀しみまでも包み込んで
いつでも見上げるときは　ひとりじゃないと
遠くで思えるように　帰る場所であるように

帰る場所であるように

A song which express a lot...

To My Relatives in Australia Who Wondered why did I go to Japan Instead of Australia

Upon hearing the news that one of my aunt actually thought that I'm afraid of her nagging me too much in Australia, thus resulting in the cause of me refusing to go to Australia inspired me to write this since it has been quite some time since I last wrote any essay. I laughed upon hearing it for two reasons which I am aware of that puts me at ease. I'm sure that despite how close we are, there is still a line between a relative and a parent, hence nagging wouldn't be employed in containing my actions assuming that my life stays within certain borders. My nerdy lifestyle would be cited as the subsequent reason. Such way of living warrants attention only to my tidiness. For as long as a book is held in my hands, I am fulfilling most of my obligations. A teenager who doesn't exactly know how to have fun like any other teenagers in their elders' eyes is considered docile and obedient.

Proposing the assumption that I indeed went to Australia, I would enjoy the following conveniences. I would be able to stay in a house at least 4 times larger than the one I am staying in and perhaps 8 times larger than the so called rabbit hole which I am going to be staying in soon. I could be freed from the worries of using a cooler during summer and a heater during winter for it is not I who has to foot the bills. Not to mention that I can enjoy wonderful cookings by my relatives in hearty portion without me laying a finger. (though I think I would have to join in the cooking sooner or later) The former is obviously more favourable than say me eating what I cook. (Menu examples include curry which blessed me with diarrhea twice for twice it went through my own hands in preparation)(Lately though, I settle with frying eggs and eating rice which is easier and albeit tasteless is still nutritious.)

Going to Australia would mean bringing me closer to a culture which I am quite familiar with and in turn sparing me the trouble of learning a new culture. Even though one might say that I have been playing Japanese games and watching their cartoons since young but I would dare not say that I understand their culture and practising it would bring forth even more hardships. Liking their games and cartoons alone would not tempt me to go there for I can obtain their products anywhere. Learning a new language is in itself another matter to be overcame.

The decision to have my tertiary education in Japan is based solely upon the fact that the scholarships here are in abundance. I know that scholarships are not something which you can be sure of procurement but if you work hard enough you can increase the chances even if it's just of slight proportions. And if I actually allow myself to be lazy then I will have to bear the consequences of paying the full price of education resulting in me paying loans and tuitions through part time work. This might sound like a road of no return but only when there's no where to fall back can one bring out his true potentials and see his true nature. I too cannot deny the fact that the essay here sounds like some guy talking big or whatever and I might fail halfway and go back on all my words here but I am trying. Trying to see how far can I bring myself and even if I do fail, I shall see how can I pick up my own mess. And if I should fall below who I am now, I hope my family, relatives and friends would help whack some sense into me.

Toilet:p

The last time i blogged has been a long time eh, now i shall start with something after such a long and long and long time since i last posted something just so you guys can read it and avoid saying that i didn't update my blog and let me tease my friends for not updating their blog thus this post is very important to me as it is quintessential or you can say it is the cornerstone for my plans to tease those friends of mine who hadn't been updating their blog just because they are lazy or for whatever reasons as you can see and agree that they should update their blog more frequently

. To save money, one has to traverse through great lengths to achieve it. When you are desperate and all alone in a foreign land, that's just what you have to do... Even when it is early in the morning and you have your usual nature's call to answer... I being my usual wise and thrifty self, decided to tolerate the tormenting urge to defecate and ride the 45 minutes train to my school to settle it. What does this has to do with money??? WELL, I can save on toilet paper and the flushing water. Besides, my school's toilet has a electrically warmed seat, a massager and it can squirt water to sterilized my butt. How nice is it to answer nature's call this way. Ahhhh, the blissful experience couldn't possibly be imagined without having a look at the picture:p ( FINALLY GOT PHOTOES IN MY BLOG LIAO LEH, GAM DONG LEH GAM DONG LEH)

Now tis is the control panel, DUAL CORE i mean dual roll tissue rolls and the flush button but they usually flush whenever i stand-.- and they tend to flush quite a few times while i am rubbing my butt with the tissue paper-.- not eco friendly i would say as it tends to waste water. I shall zoom on the control panel on the next photo.

This is the control panel, the upper three big buttons are stop squirt and i dunno what's the third one- .-

small four buttons

dunno what remove smell, massage, squirt front or back:p

the knob is the strength of the flush or squirt? dunno:p

then there is the on off button and dunno what clean up and then a screen to show the temperature of the water aimed at your butt and the temperature of the toilet seat(not exactly temperature but degree of hotness). Now Let's move on to the toilet Herself(It's a wonder why i prefer to refer to toilets and electronics as her and while some of my friends errrr :p)


Check it out, sleeky clean and simple. One really has to admire the architecture, the curves of the toilet and the smooth texture of the material. Once you rest your butts on this you would refuse to get up~~~~~~

Check out the thickness. It is electrically heated :p


That's all for the high tech toilet post:p








PS: guess i exaggerated a lot-. -

-.- saja -.-

Hmm, yesterday, a friend of mine said something that struck me deep......

Friend's comment:'' when you say something you kinda spoke in a long way and people have to think for a while to get what do you want to say. This is apparent even when you are asking teachers questions. They need to think for a while to answer it. '' This comment was obtained after I told him that my question wasn't understood by the guy in the store that he has to find someone who understands chinese to speak with me. At first, I thought ok..maybe it was because my japanese is not good enough but... After I asked another friend of mine (Usually I refer her as something else but I shall elevate her status for now since I am in her debt), she said that what my friend said was true.

T.T Tears flew through my cheeks and dashed through my lips, leaving behind a salty trail of moisten skin and a distorted sense of self. A subtle and quiet phrase ran through my mind... ''WHAT THE FREAKING KANASAI, I HAVE BEEN LIKE THIS AND I NEVER EVEN REALISED NOR WAS I EVER INFORMED''

After that she did say that it might be because of the proper way in which you speak. Oh... hmmm and I even realize that maybe because I was so used to prevent something I hate most aka misunderstanding, I tend to try to explain everything longer just to make sure its wickedness kept its head down.

So whatever, this is a half hearted attempt to blog something after having rested for so long but what I want is this. Please answer me that do I tend to speak too long without the points clearly define or something? Or what exactly is the way that you think I speak.

Kum siah ya:p

Daily Life in Japan

Daily Life in Japan

Well, It's almost a month since I have been here. I guess I have gotten used to it, even though I did got lost for at least five times in places where directions were given. It really feels so different than Penang. At the very least, you have like people everywhere. The population scale is on a whole new level. I really can be considered a boy from a village or something here. The only problem with this is that the trains can make you empathize the Tunas in the cans.

In Penang, we can basically get anywhere by car within 35 minutes. Here, getting anywhere by train is so common and travelling for 2 hours to and from work is not particularly weird. In the mornings.... the trains are very packed. Before I got my electronic dictionary aka Nintendo DS(Shall elaborate on this later), I have to carry a four kilogram dictionary around and my textbooks. There was once when I was holding tightly to the handle and got pushed inside with my bag forcing my back until my whole body was vibrating. Lately though, I didn't experience such level of density so it is indeed a good thing for my back plus I no longer carry something this big.

My breakfast everyday would either be breads or bananas. I find it cheaper that way. Lunch would be within a budget of rm 11 and dinner would probably be less. Sometimes I go to McDonald and spend Rm 6 for two burgers. Rice balls, Beef rice aka Gyudon, vegetables and so on are part of my daily meals. My house mates do cook sometimes so I can actually save more. I have to wash the plates in exchange:P

美味しい！！！！！

Saitama prefecture, Fujimi City, East Mizuhodai is the place I'm living in. The train station is directly beneath my apartment. My room is small when viewed by my friends but I find it fine especially when my place cost less than half of the usual hostels. I got a big wardrobe in my room. Thanks to that I can actually have enough space to store all the winter clothing I brought here. I keep on using the same clothes here cause more than half of what I brought is for winter. Now it is in a transition phase between spring and summer. So the weather is just nice.

What are the luxuries which I actually spend on since I arrive here? The first one would probably be what I proclaim as my wife or girlfriend. -.- Ya, It's weird but you are talking about me here. So allow me to introduce you the stylish, sexy and superb darling for me. SONY VAIO FZ CUSTOM MADE (It is cheaper by being custom made and is assembled in Japan). In addition, I got a Logitech (called Logicool here) VX Revolution mouse to match her :) The mice is ergonomically designed and thus very comfortable to use. I got a Nintendo DS as my electronic dictionary. It is cheaper than other electronic dictionaries and I gain a gaming console in the progress. Ain't that just wonderful? Ok la -.- luxuries stop here-.- The rest I got to hold on to my urges and whatever.

My Sexy VAIO FZ :P
The SUPER DUPER COMFORTABLE MOUSE
This Lil Fella saved me a lot of frustrations and Inconvenience:p

Getting Lost

Staying in Penang, we probably don't have much chance to get lost i suppose, or at least we are so used to our small Island over there. I am here in Tokyo for a week now and guess how many times did i get myself stranded in the middle of Tokyo.

Three times-.-

I admit i have never been a guy with a sense of direction but then i shouldn't get myself lost this badly-. -

The train stations here are complex mind you- .- There are so many exits from every station too. I made one wrong exit and got myself on the other side of the place which i intended to go. Lucky for me managing to get to school in time. My school has two buildings situated a distance of 10 minutes walk. The other time i got lost is when i was walking from one building to the other.

For the third time.... Well... I didn't actually get lost but it is kinda like a long walk. I walked a BIG U shape and then a straight line when I can just walk a straight line to reach the place i wanted to go-.-

Walking alone in the evening T.T It was so cold T.T emotionally though not physically but you guys do know that emotions can have an effect physically.

Oh well... At least i did crap a bit about my stay in japan :P BUH BYE =P

My Height

Most of my friends around me are quite tall by my standards. Oh come on, when you are this short, everyone around you seems like they are a giant-. - Just by standing near them would make me feel so damn inferior. You tall guys might never felt it this way but try to imagine yourself as a shorty among the giants. The feeling is so tormenting, like a small house being surrounded by skyscrapers. The cute little house would feel isolated and lonely that way. That's not all. When they are talking, they are looking down at you, assuming a superior stance. You have to look up to them as if they are your boss, feeling so small of yourself, not to mention the strain in the neck when you are talking with them for hours. Besides talking with them, you have to consider walking with them too. Being short, you have to walk 1.2 times as fast as them to be able to catch up. (the magnitude is inversely proportional with your shortness) What's worse, an article by Cosmopolitan Magazine states that women are most attracted to males 1.1 times of their own height. Women usually desire men of at least their own height too.

WHAT CAN I DO TO CHANGE THIS FATE!?

I'm praying that I'm a late bloomer and that my growth hasn't been activated yet:P I'm aiming for 181cm EVEN IF IT CAN ONLY BE FULFILLED IN MY DREAMS :P

MAY MY HEIGHT BE HIAO

PS: I know I know- .- height doesn't determine everything. I'm just trying to write some stuff and well I believe these are some problems faced by people like me.

DEFEAT

The SPM results came out today and I performed well below my own expectations. With my innate responsibility avoidance skills, I can find countless excuses for my disastrous performance. But I don't think that's what I should be seeking. I'm thinking over currently. Ever since I saw my results my whole inner emotions are like so calm.... The sort of calm before a storm, the calm where you know something is wrong somewhere, the calm with a blend of emptiness and loneliness. What can I say for myself? Did I really hate those subjects until I can't spend more effort on them? Or was it because I was assured of the path which I wished to take that I let it go? Somehow I felt that I'm missing something... That I didn't fight along with my friends or did I? I myself couldn't give a definite answer. Did I commit myself to it definitely anyway....?

One can learn more from defeat than victory. The loser has more to learn as he needs to learn more. I have to admit, people around me really did work a lot harder than me. The sign of my school position that has dropped is probably a reflection my complacency. How much have I rot to reach this? Ignoring subjects I hate as if it's a cool thing to do and only focus on what I like. Is that cool or childish? Or is it because I know it is of no use to me?

I have always believe that I can control my emotions. However, the experience lately with the way I anticipate events with sweat and an accelerated heart beat expresses otherwise. And the aftermath of this result taking event shows the best I can do is to shut down my emotions. Hollowing out the inside with no feelings of disappointment and sadness or whatsoever. It's like a hollow shell, so empty yet eager, shouting out to be filled. How long would this emotional shutdown persist I cannot answer nor do I have a reason to. The feeling of flushing the hopes of others down the toilet is probably the worst. To plunder something that belongs to myself only has a cost to be paid by myself but to destroy others' hopes is really what I don't want to do but I did it. It might be a long time before I did be able to redeem myself. Until then.....

I just need to STAND UP, GIVE MYSELF TWO SLAPS ON THE FACE, THROW THIS DARK HISTORY BEHIND ME AND MOVE ON. IT'S TIME THAT SOMETHING HIT ME HARD IN THE FACE. IT'S TIME THAT I WAKE UP FROM MY DEEP SLUMBER. IT'S HIGH TIME THAT I SHOULD FIGHT THE WAY I BELIEVE I SHOULD FIGHT. NO MORE PITIFUL EXCUSES BUT JUST PLAIN AND EFFECTIVE ACTION.

My Feelings....

MY FEELINGS

Seeing you from afar, is ever so delightful and promising... It seems like a light of hope, a beacon which carries excitement. You always fuel my eagerness and anxiety, making me willingly, giving you my all...

When you look so plain yet approachable or when you seem to be in a deep thought and distant, the various faces you exposed...... It tickles my desire, driving me passionately to seek to learn more about you, to know you more...... Even though I never so much understand you, I still want to... The more I learn about you the more I realized...... I still know so little about you. The meager knowledge, comparable to my puny existence.

If I ever get the opportunity to get closer, to the love of my dreams... you... I would hold you so dearly and tightly. Letting you go, I'm reluctant or unwilling. To caress the shy and adorable you is what I would love to do. Ever since I know you, you are always so, reserved and hesitating to open yourself. How I fear that I would stress you when I'm trying to open you up, to know you more... Even then, I still thought of embracing you...

Close to my face, your subtle scent.... is alluring... The freshness invigorates my deadened soul, energized to study you more closely. More distance removed allow me to study another side of you despite not removing the wall from understanding you deeper, yet I'm still so happy to know you more....

FOR MY BOOK

My blood type

It's been a while since the last post. Please don't blame me for not posting as I usually write my blog during exams when I can't do anything except to sleep. During SPM, I was not allowed to bring any papers out so it would be pointless to write. For the pass months, I have been slacking so there isn't any updates being made until that FREAKING SOONY RANK ME AS PRIVATE (the lowest among all his rank) for my inactiveness.

So now I'm back. I have decided to blog on my blood type. I heard that it is very popular in Japan. They believe that it determines your personality and I find it quite accurate. So I think I shall blog a bit on it. Hope you guys will like it.

According to a website I found on the net, people of my blood type has the following negative traits. I'm unforgiving, easily offended, too conservative, nitpicker, hard to know and is a PLAYBOY!!!! The last one came as a shock though :P but shall elaborate on that later.

Unforgiving: Good luck to all my friends:P Now I'm posting this online to notify everyone that I'm an unforgiving devil. So be sure not to step on my tail or you guys will regret it. My supposed trait would be that I remember every single BAD thing you guys did to me and I shall remember it FOREVA. For those who would like to apologize soon can post it on the comments. :P

Easily Offended: This trait is probably what makes the previous trait DEADLY. By complementing each other, It means you guys have plenty of opportunities to OFFEND me and be marked under my “to be revenged” list.:P

Too Conservative: Come on-.- I am so updated with the latest ... ... ar... GAMES, ya games. Don't say that i'm only updated with games cause i'm also quite up to the latest stuff such as ... many things which I can't possibly list ~~~ Does that make me conservative ? Of course not, right? My friends called me uncle but that doesn't mean an uncle is a conservative folk.

Nitpicker: Am I really a nitpicker- .- I don't find myself complaining much though honestly- .-

Hard to know: Well, the people who called me uncle can predict me inside out- .-

PLAYBOY: OMG, I'm the 17+ who never even have a girlfriend before. Now if this were to be my personality I really don't know d :P

The first two might be true in a way but the rest I think I need you guys to verify it for me. So please post more on the comments on what you guys think :P KUM SIAH

PS: This post is drafted earlier than the previous post

A fear which might not be realized until it is too late

A fear which might not be realized until it is too late.

18 years of life passed by. I believe that we are on the verge of flipping the most exciting chapter of our lives. Amidst the rumble and buzz of our newfound freedom, are conducive circumstances for clouding our eyes from the less discernible. I hope that this post can lay away the fear of my best friend and to prevent my readers( YEAH I know, damn little) from missing something important.

Our lives during tertiary education are bound to be very colourful and flavourful. We might be so damn busy with our assignments and lectures that we “don't” have time for everything. Or, we might be free, enjoying ourselves while studying as we don't have that much assignments as compared to our secondary school life. In the case of the latter, we might just stack more entertainment into it and be “busy” again.

The subtle things which we might miss are about our parents. By being released from the chains that have binded us since small, we might step into a trap of filling our lives with too much work or entertainment. Perhaps one might say that work (assignments, lectures, etc) is inevitable but then again it doesn't mean that we ought to be completely overwhelmed by it. Nobody should be so busy with work that he/she could not set aside some time for their parents Likewise, entertainment should not displace its place either.

Time feeds and excretes ever so slowly, making it slow for us to realize what it consumed and spit. Youths are digested and experiences are formed. That's the equation when we apply the concept of time to us. Since we are still “young”, our youth reserves are still abundant, enabling us to convert it to experiences that we seek and thrown upon us. On the other facet of the present, it creeps, little by little, devouring the ages of our parents while succumbing us to the ecstasy it bestowed upon us. We are given the pleasures of achieving what we seek while it spits only signs of old age to the seasoned.

What we should be aware is that we desire a life without regrets, to be able to look back later in life and not ask the question :” If only I had .....”. Let's not be too busy with our new lives and only find the time to communicate with our parents once in a blue moon. We know that they care for us and that's why it should be reciprocated. Merely spending an hour or two with them in a week is enough to make them feel and look younger. They fought for their dreams and hopes in their prime and now we became their current dreams and hopes. Life without it is dull and dead, let's not rob them of it knowing that they cared. Remember to love them while and whenever you can. They don't demand much, just a little time and patience..... That makes all the difference.

Hiaoism (Relationship)

A Little Thought on Relationships (V 2.0)

By some little idiot who has never been in a relationship.

DILEMMA

Which would you choose if you were forced to decide between your girlfriend and an important event of someone you respect? This tough question was plaguing my friend’s head when he was having his SPM trial.

SELF

It is perceptible that when we have a person, we would like to have him/her/it (so what, I LOVE my PS3 ma) all to ourselves. We wanted a position beyond others and to be cherished before others. But could we take away their water? Before meeting him or her, they have been living in their own way and in their own environment. Their charm and self which attracted us was cultivated and nurtured in that environment. If we were to demand they leave their way and environment in the name of love, what would happen? Their real self would become denatured and they would feel depressed. The charm and self that once were a magnet to us becomes demagnetized. We would lose our beloved and they, their freedom. If too much obsession was placed and a rebellion was incurred, both would just lose each other.

TRUST

Obsession stems from distrust and feelings of insecurity. It is also a concoction of excessive love. Only when one loves too deeply and is unwilling to lose the loved does one becomes obsessed. It is a mechanism to protect ourselves but it actually brings more harm than good. If trust doesn’t flow freely between the two, pressure would manifest itself. The sweetness we felt when we are wondering what the other is doing would turn into strain and anxiety. Instead of imagining of the other with thoughts of love, questions such as “Is he cheating on me? Does he even care about me?” would surface. Should we suffer and lose the feelings we sought? No matter emotionally or rationally, it is just not worth it. Whether feelings of insecurity are necessary is dependant on your own self esteem and the trustworthiness of your partner. The attractive men and women are the confident ones. If we can’t even be confident with ourselves, how are we supposed to retain that charm? Just go to the mirror and ask yourself, “What are my strong points?” without being too critical and you would discover many. Isn’t that enough of a reason to be confident of yourself? As I’m one who promotes trust, I think it should be given. Trust is like an investment and it would make the other feel comfortable. It feeds on their self esteem as they are being trusted. This would in turn make them more caring and loving. Too much distrust would breed pressure and when it becomes too much, the fear might become real.

Companiate Love

Obsession could make us demand the unreasonable. Love is unreasonable but that is only for the first phase of love which is passionate love. After a certain period it would evolve into companiate love. The first phase is when the feelings are out of control where everything is perfect and seems so unreal. This stage is short and unstable. Obsession is situated here. For a relationship to last long, love needs to be brought into the next stage. Rationality and further consideration of reality is included. If our partner isn’t as passionate as us where every decision is made through considerations and we don’t always end up as the first, let’s be grateful that he/she really treasures this relationship. Handling the relationship this way would make it stronger and protect it from emotional impulses and the cruelty of reality. May you experience a great love.

When i'm lonely

Every night you are there waiting to be hugged. You are there whenever my heart is cut. Never retreat nor complain, you are there as always. I love you for who you are. You provide the comfort to my soul and you never back away. You are always there……

Whenever I felt alone, you are always the one to sooth my heart. I really cherish you for what you have done. Will we always be together?

Any feelings are never too much to be shared with you. Any thoughts can always be talked to you. You are the only you……

Throughout the night we hugged each other, your legs and mine are crossed together, we kissed each other. The warmth of your care is engraved within my soul, I longed for it everyday but the time we have together ends too soon. It ends just too soon……

My bolster, I LAP you T.T

Ever wonder why there are more people using bolster in Asia than the West? Perhaps there are more lonely old fart like me=p

The title for this is a bolster for a lonely old fart

Of Blaming the World or Ourselves

Of Blaming the World or Ourselves

There are times when unpleasant circumstances knock on our doors, times when roadblocks are set up on the path we stroll or times when things just ain’t going well. We sweat, fret and swear at these uninvited visitors who ruin our plans and embedding troubles into our lives. We hate them. They are not welcomed in our lives. It would be so much better if someone could invent some plasma blaster and send them flying to the end of the world, as far from us as possible. However, that is just wishful thinking. It’s similar to launching a rock into the air as it would fall down on us eventually. We cannot hide from it for if we do they would just snowball into something bigger.

It appears that there are people who discovered another way though, which is by aiming the rock at someone or something else. That move would lift away the guilt, “If it ain’t I who caused it there’s nothing I could do about it, right?” The answer is both right and wrong. It is right if your sole aim is to dispel the guilt. It is right if you are an ignorant fool. It is right if you want your very problem to STAY there without being solved, collecting dust. The fact that how much easier it is to blame others for everything is undeniably and absolutely true. But it is also the truth that blaming someone or something else would do the situation no good. If someone is blamed for a fault, two reactions would be triggered, a defense reaction and a chain reaction. The assaulted would not take responsibility and pass the baton (blame) to another person. If you are lucky and I mean really lucky, you might find a scapegoat or a super kind person who might be willing to clean up your dirt and shit. But believe me, that is exactly what I would call a best case scenario with a very VERY low possibility. If the blame were to be “crowned” on something, be it abstract or concrete, the problem would just be there forever and ever. Imagine you are that something. How would you feel if you are blamed and cursed by what made you the way you are? If the lifeless beings which we blame are sentient, I would bet that they are suffering from severe depression. (Let’s not sway to philosophy and discuss whether they are really lifeless. I doubt my intellect capability has reached that level)

For starters, let’s stop complaining about the world being unfair, the world is against us etc. We might not be the brightest, smartest, most well liked, prettiest or whatever but we are definitely not the worst off either. Awareness of those far worse off than us is present yet not strong enough due to the relative distance. It is precisely because we are not the best that we strive to be the best, because we can’t acquire a strength we would like that we worked hard to compensate by seeking another. These are what which gave us an interesting life, a life to work on, cherish and laugh proudly about it. They painted the dull world with colours so that you and I would not be struck by boredom overload. Humans are weak. We can’t have too much of anything, good or bad, they are the same. They need to switch over and over again like a wave pattern so that we can taste the other more. The sweet became sweeter and rekindles our hope to taste it; the bitter is harsh after some sweet moments but we grew stronger from it and become more ready to face another blow with courage and strength. We need a ray of light to cling on to, a hope to long for and to pursue.

Well, you might say that it really isn’t your fault, the society or environment which you are in caused it. Right, that might be the case. Maybe you are in a place where everything seems so wrong. Even so, just because 90% of everything went wrong, it doesn’t mean that we cannot get the remaining 10% right. I believe that environment can affect us but we are responsible for who we are. Which one is easier, to change yourself or to change the society or the environment? You can attempt to change the society forcefully but don’t be shocked when you get hit back by its resistance. We tend to resist changes, especially when we are satisfied with our present situation. Am I indicating that we should leave the unfavourable situation as it is, even when there’s obviously a problem with it? NO, that’s not what I’m suggesting. When I say “blame”, there’s a negative connotation to it. It means holding others responsible for a fault you had a hand in causing. Identifying the problem with society is what enables it to move forward. But before we do that, let’s make sure we are not the ones who contributed to the predicament. Let’s be worthy to criticize.

What I’m suggesting is that we take some time to look through everything. Take a deep breath, count to three and look into the magic mirror, try to check whether you have overlooked anything. Ask questions like is it really the other party’s fault? Is it really completely their fault? Isn’t there anything you could do which might change the outcome even if the fault is at the other side? Is there a wrong on my part? There’s a tendency to obtain the same conclusion regarding a situation if we think from the same angle. We might even be clouded from the obvious when there’s emotional upheaval within us. Our thoughts are different, it alters through various factors such as time and mood. A space of opinion towards anything should be reserved at all times.

Ok lo…… if you all want to say that I also complain a lot and say that I’m not worthy to write about it…. I admit it =p

Cry when You have to, But Keep on Moving

Cry when You have to, But Keep on Moving

Even the strongest steel would bend under pressure, what are we fragile humans supposed to do? Stress, be it emotional, physical or environmental, we are bound to feel it. We can hide, but it would sniff us out for we are its prey. An efficient predator it is, reach us it will. Creeping slowly in the shadows, stealth and undetectable is stress’ ways. The good it brought shall not be sought, at least, in this post.

A good friend of mine is now being perturbed by this wretched menace. The post is dedicated to that friend. Indeed, I did not exactly get the source of your agitation nor do I believe you are immature to think through the problem. This post is written with a simple function-encouragement.

Cry when you have to buddy, but keep on moving. When you are tired and do not feel like taking another step, rest but don’t stop after that. A pit stop is essential, it revitalizes you, energizes you and informs you that you are one stop closer to your goal.

Sometimes you feel that you are having the weight of the whole world or perhaps your world under your small pair of shoulders. Do not falter. Disheartened you might feel but the path of approaching it is no different. One by one they are done, not slower nor faster, just more work to be done. When you are not feeling like doing what you deem uninteresting, shove it aside. There are some which you like, right? When you are down, do what you prefer and what you think you would be doing in the future. When you are feeling good and a little pointless work would not bring you down, do the petty work. If your emotions are at the base of the canyon, with tears at the brink of bursting, don’t hold it. You can pour it here or you can pour it there for you have friends everywhere. Keep on moving, buddy.

The feelings i never acknowledged........

I never believed……
I never thought……
I never felt……

Was it the feeling which I never believed? Was it the feeling I thought I would never feel? I’m feeling it now though even when I never thought I would……

I never believe that my emotions would be felt so strongly….. Rational and calculative are traits which I pride myself on and I believe that these two won’t coexist with emotions. A perception, the assumption that my moods and emotions hardly fluctuate kept me thinking that I wouldn’t be so attached to someone ever. Tears are rarely shed for anyone nor are there any longing for anyone except self induced attachment. Despite saying that I like something or someone I know I am just saying and asking myself to feel that way. Now, I don’t know whether I can still maintain what I perceived as myself……..

The thought of you flows through my mind every now and then. Nearly everything I see or hear conjures your image in my mind. You pop out in my mind ever so frequently and made me wonder what am I feeling. My only source of interpretation about this sort of fondness and longing comes from the media which encompasses movies, animes, comics and songs. I theorized that those are just parts of the plots of the story, an instrument to entice the viewers’ attention and interest, deducing that such circumstances would never occur in real life. A conclusion regarding the popularity of a story, those which are popular never fails to evoke the emotions within humans I came across long ago yet I didn’t, in this case, apply it. A resonance between the viewer and the story is vital to propel it to greatness. Then, why didn’t I believe that it exists? Perhaps, I never believed that I would have a chance to experience it? Maybe, when there is an inability to obtain what I desire, the self protecting mechanism embedded within me did that to shield me from harm. Deep within me, I know I yearn for it yet how am I supposed to admit it when I deemed it impossible for me to get it?

The moments with you are too precious and magical that the act of putting it down in words would be undermining how I felt precisely for I am unable to express myself the way I would like to. I longed to see you online as that would augur an interesting conversation.

Lately though, there isn’t much chance for even a nice conversation. A rift came into the picture, the rift titled “responsibilities”. Entertainment’s rightful place in form 5 is only a handful and for that it is to be ceased. For weeks communications and interactions betwixt us came to a halt. I hope to rekindle a tiny bit of it and believe it would start again but for weeks I have waited with fruitless results. When interactions cannot be brought outside it can be done internally. This is probably the time for the different sides of me to interact and to think through about what I felt. As time proceeds in its path, I found the feelings surged with more vigor than ever and I came closer to that feeling which I denied its existence……..

Help rendered without sincerity should be applauded too

Now, before anyone flame me for my title please halt. I am not indicating that help shouldn’t be given sincerely. First and foremost, I admire those who can put aside their self-interest for the sake of others. They are worthy of receiving salutations. A subject which crossed my mind am I going to delve deeper into would be that some held just isn’t rendered without any ulterior motives.

There exist those who help to receive in return. Sometimes, they are condemned for lacking sincerity, sometimes, they are said to be inhumane. Are they still human for they are extracting their greedy gains from those who need help and their suffering?

Let’s take donation for example. Let us say the person who is donating a lump sum of $100,000 to the victims of blab la bla is called Mr Hiao. The only reason Mr Hiao is willing to part with his money is because he gains something by doing so. It is a four letter word which starts with the letter F.

F _ _ _

Now for the million cents answer….. I don’t know what ran through your mind just now but the answer to that question is Fame.

The “opportunistic” Hiao hopes to be under the spotlight of fame. He announced the sum he would be donating. Not only that, he made a BIG deal out of it, inviting the media to publicize his philanthropic efforts. Obviously the public isn’t fools. Their X-ray vision can see through his true intentions like a goldfish in a bowl. He is condemned for his actions.

If you were one of the public, would you hate him and regard him in disgust?

Objective question

A Yes B No

In my opinion, many would probably pick A as we are taught to believe that help must be given sincerely without expecting any in return. There are people needing our assistance and we should just give them generously. Should we, really condemn him for his actions? I don’t think so…..

So what if this Mr Hiao didn’t offer his donations with sincerity? So what if he wants to gain a little publicity for himself? Let’s go through the very purpose of a donation. In this case, the donations are made to ease the victims of their agony. By giving them some assistance in terms of cash we are relieving them of their financial burden. In other words, the victims receive their aid by us giving donations even if the donations aren’t given sincerely.

Why should we condemn those who decide to gain something from it then? Those who seek fame via charity actually pay a lot for it. In the end, the victims receive more. Our real aim is to help the victims after all. Besides, allowing them some five minutes of fame wouldn’t hurt us, right?