DEFEAT

The SPM results came out today and I performed well below my own expectations. With my innate responsibility avoidance skills, I can find countless excuses for my disastrous performance. But I don't think that's what I should be seeking. I'm thinking over currently. Ever since I saw my results my whole inner emotions are like so calm.... The sort of calm before a storm, the calm where you know something is wrong somewhere, the calm with a blend of emptiness and loneliness. What can I say for myself? Did I really hate those subjects until I can't spend more effort on them? Or was it because I was assured of the path which I wished to take that I let it go? Somehow I felt that I'm missing something... That I didn't fight along with my friends or did I? I myself couldn't give a definite answer. Did I commit myself to it definitely anyway....?

One can learn more from defeat than victory. The loser has more to learn as he needs to learn more. I have to admit, people around me really did work a lot harder than me. The sign of my school position that has dropped is probably a reflection my complacency. How much have I rot to reach this? Ignoring subjects I hate as if it's a cool thing to do and only focus on what I like. Is that cool or childish? Or is it because I know it is of no use to me?

I have always believe that I can control my emotions. However, the experience lately with the way I anticipate events with sweat and an accelerated heart beat expresses otherwise. And the aftermath of this result taking event shows the best I can do is to shut down my emotions. Hollowing out the inside with no feelings of disappointment and sadness or whatsoever. It's like a hollow shell, so empty yet eager, shouting out to be filled. How long would this emotional shutdown persist I cannot answer nor do I have a reason to. The feeling of flushing the hopes of others down the toilet is probably the worst. To plunder something that belongs to myself only has a cost to be paid by myself but to destroy others' hopes is really what I don't want to do but I did it. It might be a long time before I did be able to redeem myself. Until then.....

I just need to STAND UP, GIVE MYSELF TWO SLAPS ON THE FACE, THROW THIS DARK HISTORY BEHIND ME AND MOVE ON. IT'S TIME THAT SOMETHING HIT ME HARD IN THE FACE. IT'S TIME THAT I WAKE UP FROM MY DEEP SLUMBER. IT'S HIGH TIME THAT I SHOULD FIGHT THE WAY I BELIEVE I SHOULD FIGHT. NO MORE PITIFUL EXCUSES BUT JUST PLAIN AND EFFECTIVE ACTION.