The feelings i never acknowledged........

I never believed……
I never thought……
I never felt……

Was it the feeling which I never believed? Was it the feeling I thought I would never feel? I’m feeling it now though even when I never thought I would……

I never believe that my emotions would be felt so strongly….. Rational and calculative are traits which I pride myself on and I believe that these two won’t coexist with emotions. A perception, the assumption that my moods and emotions hardly fluctuate kept me thinking that I wouldn’t be so attached to someone ever. Tears are rarely shed for anyone nor are there any longing for anyone except self induced attachment. Despite saying that I like something or someone I know I am just saying and asking myself to feel that way. Now, I don’t know whether I can still maintain what I perceived as myself……..

The thought of you flows through my mind every now and then. Nearly everything I see or hear conjures your image in my mind. You pop out in my mind ever so frequently and made me wonder what am I feeling. My only source of interpretation about this sort of fondness and longing comes from the media which encompasses movies, animes, comics and songs. I theorized that those are just parts of the plots of the story, an instrument to entice the viewers’ attention and interest, deducing that such circumstances would never occur in real life. A conclusion regarding the popularity of a story, those which are popular never fails to evoke the emotions within humans I came across long ago yet I didn’t, in this case, apply it. A resonance between the viewer and the story is vital to propel it to greatness. Then, why didn’t I believe that it exists? Perhaps, I never believed that I would have a chance to experience it? Maybe, when there is an inability to obtain what I desire, the self protecting mechanism embedded within me did that to shield me from harm. Deep within me, I know I yearn for it yet how am I supposed to admit it when I deemed it impossible for me to get it?

The moments with you are too precious and magical that the act of putting it down in words would be undermining how I felt precisely for I am unable to express myself the way I would like to. I longed to see you online as that would augur an interesting conversation.

Lately though, there isn’t much chance for even a nice conversation. A rift came into the picture, the rift titled “responsibilities”. Entertainment’s rightful place in form 5 is only a handful and for that it is to be ceased. For weeks communications and interactions betwixt us came to a halt. I hope to rekindle a tiny bit of it and believe it would start again but for weeks I have waited with fruitless results. When interactions cannot be brought outside it can be done internally. This is probably the time for the different sides of me to interact and to think through about what I felt. As time proceeds in its path, I found the feelings surged with more vigor than ever and I came closer to that feeling which I denied its existence……..

Help rendered without sincerity should be applauded too

Now, before anyone flame me for my title please halt. I am not indicating that help shouldn’t be given sincerely. First and foremost, I admire those who can put aside their self-interest for the sake of others. They are worthy of receiving salutations. A subject which crossed my mind am I going to delve deeper into would be that some held just isn’t rendered without any ulterior motives.

There exist those who help to receive in return. Sometimes, they are condemned for lacking sincerity, sometimes, they are said to be inhumane. Are they still human for they are extracting their greedy gains from those who need help and their suffering?

Let’s take donation for example. Let us say the person who is donating a lump sum of $100,000 to the victims of blab la bla is called Mr Hiao. The only reason Mr Hiao is willing to part with his money is because he gains something by doing so. It is a four letter word which starts with the letter F.

F _ _ _

Now for the million cents answer….. I don’t know what ran through your mind just now but the answer to that question is Fame.

The “opportunistic” Hiao hopes to be under the spotlight of fame. He announced the sum he would be donating. Not only that, he made a BIG deal out of it, inviting the media to publicize his philanthropic efforts. Obviously the public isn’t fools. Their X-ray vision can see through his true intentions like a goldfish in a bowl. He is condemned for his actions.

If you were one of the public, would you hate him and regard him in disgust?

Objective question

A Yes B No

In my opinion, many would probably pick A as we are taught to believe that help must be given sincerely without expecting any in return. There are people needing our assistance and we should just give them generously. Should we, really condemn him for his actions? I don’t think so…..

So what if this Mr Hiao didn’t offer his donations with sincerity? So what if he wants to gain a little publicity for himself? Let’s go through the very purpose of a donation. In this case, the donations are made to ease the victims of their agony. By giving them some assistance in terms of cash we are relieving them of their financial burden. In other words, the victims receive their aid by us giving donations even if the donations aren’t given sincerely.

Why should we condemn those who decide to gain something from it then? Those who seek fame via charity actually pay a lot for it. In the end, the victims receive more. Our real aim is to help the victims after all. Besides, allowing them some five minutes of fame wouldn’t hurt us, right?

ignorable rants

Do you ever have the feeling that you are powerless? This is the feeling I dread the most. There are times where I opt to help those whom I care for, but either I’m powerless or don’t know where to start. When people are crying in the heart and I don’t even know how to make them feel better….. I’m never a good joker and I cannot say that I understand how they feel as if I really do. I wanted to say cheer up but saying that would only lead their mind to remember what hurts them. When they are sad and all I can do is sit here and look without any clues to help.

I noticed that sometimes I think too much. I worried a lot about how others felt. Every single thing I do, I would think how they would think of me if I do this or that. Would they mind? Is it appropriate? Should I do it? The fun factor has been taken out of my life because of this. It made me felt that I’m a boring guy. As a result of all the possible consequences which I calculated, I ended up doing nothing. Let’s say when there’s a time when I would like to sms and ask about a person’s condition. Questions which crossed my mind would include:” am I being annoying? Am I kaypo? Would they be too busy for this message? Is there even any difference to the receiver if someone asked about their condition (they certainly wouldn’t feel any better)? It might even be a nuisance for them to reply the message. Everyone probably did that if there’s something and is it necessary to pile up the task of replying?

Could this be because of my rationality? Is it possible that it is inhibiting my emotional self? Personally I don’t think there’s much help when someone is asking about others’ condition even though they might be caring for the other. But then again, wouldn’t that remind the person of his/her woes? Does a simple act of care works? Would it really alleviate the problem?

Sometimes when I show some act of “kindness”, I myself would doubt my own effort. Am I really doing this out of sincerity or is there any ulterior motives hidden within me. Maybe a friend of mine has a problem and I tried to help him. But am I really helping him or am I helping myself? Somehow I felt that by helping him I am helping myself. The person is indebted to me because I helped him so he would help me when I need it. I’m merely a selfish person……

Dedication to a friend

This blog is dedicated to a friend whom I always neglect.

I have a friend who is probably my first friend since primary. It has been 11 years now since I knew him. Perhaps, I have been taking this hard-built friendship for granted; something which I have been regretting but still couldn’t muster enough courage to admit it. Before I say anything, I would like to list out every wrong which I could recall.

I am at fault for being lazy to start up a conversation even when you are there eager to chat. I am wrong for taking your friendship for granted without even showing the appreciation it deserves. You definitely don’t deserve that. I am not treating you fairly whenever I raise my voice over some small matters which really aren’t that much of a big deal, especially when I wouldn’t do the same to others. I do realize that but it somehow became a habit of mine, a habit which shouldn’t even exist. Just because you are an old friend of mine doesn’t mean that I am allowed to get impatient at you when I am usually not like that with other people.

It is not that I have never seen you in a good light before. The absence of patience always manages to fuel my insolence. You are a sincere friend, one who really cares for your friends with all his heart. Everyone is treated equally with care. Why couldn’t I be like that? Why do I always place different priorities even among friends? The word honesty belongs to you. You are always honest with us and would speak out your mind about what you think and feel. The group couldn’t be lively without your presence. Joy and laughter trails behind you wherever you go. I really do appreciate the fun you brought to us even though I might not be laughing, I might be biting my inner cheeks without you guys realizing it.

There is another thing which I deeply regret…. That is to expect so much out of you. Sometimes I might be harsh; I might even blabber out unpleasant words at you. I believe that pressure would have either one of the two effects on men. One is that the man would succumb to pressure and fall, hopes and dreams shattered while the other is the man would strive, working ever so harder to accomplish his aims and goals, fortifying his dreams and hopes. The latter, could reach for the stars if he wanted to. I sincerely hope that you are not the former. However, I am at fault, for I have never taken into accounts of your feelings and I didn’t treat you with the respect you deserve.

I am not perfect yet I am expecting you to be perfect. Why should I be doing that when you are just being yourself, learning at your own pace. I found within myself that you are a partial reflection of my past self. I noticed that you did many things which I had done a while ago. I really don’t want you to repeat my own mistakes but I end up criticizing a lot of what you did. I learned about my own mistakes after some deep thought. Now, why couldn’t I just place some much needed trust on you and believe that you can learn about it yourself. You do not need a nanny by your side right? You are a man and a friend whom I trust, one who can reason, think and learn from your own experience, at your own pace….

I do not know how you would find this entry. Maybe I am cold and harsh, and for that I apologize. The external layers of cold dead skin cells wouldn't cover my warm hope for you, would it? Today, I know about your dream and ambition. Why don’t you go find out more about it and plan out your path? Wouldn’t that make your future path easier and more perceivable? Remember not to back down from obstacles but to embrace it and never let anyone say NO, you can’t do it, not even me. People say that because they themselves couldn’t but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t. (You know where I got this quote: P) When you have an aim, you would be like a plane flying towards a destination, there might be turbulences at times but you would still reach it. Work Hard my friend and sorry for being a bad friend that I have been.

That day is here again folks~~~

Ok =.= Now =.= a few days later is you know what day. The day where everyone gets lovey dovey and we nerds can only look and sulk. Everyone is out there dating, hugging, kissing and whatever and we are here looking at our trusty old com who would never abandon us(sometimes it hang though)

NOW, DO YOU WANNA BE A NERD WITH NO VALENTINE FOREVER? OR WE WANT TO STAND UP AND FIGHT! FIGHT FOR OUR LOVE! LET US NERDS STAND UNITED!!!

ok la, maybe i can't get a chance to date a girl so i would just be buying chocolates for myself and bring it to school~~~~ at least people think there's people who is giving you chocs:p here's how it's supposed to work.

Tomorrow is sunday right?

Let's go to gurney and buy some good chocolates. YUMMY~~~~~

Imagine, the rich texture of the smooth dark chocolate~~~ melting in your mouth. The flavour~~~~ the aroma~~~~



BUT YOU BOUGHT IT FOR YOURSELF SO IT WOULDN'T BE AS SWEET HAIZZZZZ



After that, go home and wrap it nicely. Start typing a letter of admiration straight after that. Here's an example.

Dear HANDSOME, COOL, NICE ............... ETHEREAL X AVENGER.

Um...... well..... this might be sudden but i must ask you of this. Can you please be my valentine?
PS: you can add how much that "person" loves you in whatever way you want. I am not elaborating as i am not confident in writing it=.= (YOU CAN'T BLAME ME, I NEVER RECEIVED ANY BEFORE)
Please add sealed with a kiss at the end of the message~~~~ and put it in a pink envelope.

Next, on the day before valentine, bring it to school. Hide it under your drawer and act SHOCKED when you "found" out that you just got a chocolate. At least you can think and "feel" that you received one.


But i don't think any of you would be doing that right=.= neither would i -,- I accept the fact that nobody wants me with pride T.T time to get some tissue T.T buy guys T.T

Wish everyone a HAPPY VALENTINE^^
Those who don;t have one ..... like me T.T We can still spend it with our family and friends ^^ or find something nice to do with the day. The time will come when someone who loves you appear. Just be patient^^

An Eye Opener=.=

As you all SHOULD have known, I have been to Bangkok just recently(a few days ago to be precise). I really got to tell you that I'm fascinated by the airport's.... TOILET. It is sooo high-tech that i felt like some idiot. (Maybe i am one, or should i say i AM ONE) There are five memorable incidents which is engraved into my mind ~~~~ Never have i felt so=.= "clever", especially in public toilets. I deemed myself knowledgeable about TOILETS.(knowledgeable as in i have been a toiler user for 17 years=.=")

Ahhhh~~~~~ After two hours of flight i finally touched down at SuvarnaBhumi Airport. This cute and chubby plane lifted me through the air. The first thing that i need to do after touching down is of course to visit the toilet.

The toilet is clean and hygienic with a black marble finish, speaking about elegance=.= I picked a nice place to settle some BIG business. After that, i tried to open the door by pulling it. OH NO, IT WON'T BUDGE. I was stucked. I kept on pulling and pulling but it just won't budge. Suddenly, with a slight push, the door moves=.= Ok..... everyone makes mistakes. I am not to be blamed. I am perfectly normal~~~~
Well... you know i'm a hygienic person~~~~, i have to go wash my hands right? The tap is sensor activated. There i was figuring how the heck should i be doing to get the water start flowing. It took me a good 2 minutes to place my fingers on the sensor=.= There was another incident with a tap too. That tap was also sensor activated. My fingers were on the part of the tap which indicates that the tap is sensor-activated. I only know how to start it after removing my hands from it. The Last Incident which i have with the toilet is the most mentally and physically tormenting. My body was reaching its limit in withholding the chunk of gold from coming out. I ran into the toilet and found out that all the doors were shut. Assuming that the toilets are occupied, i kept on waiting and waiting. It felt like years of torment=.= THANK GOD one of the staffs from the hotel came in and pushed one of the doors...... IT IS NOT OCCUPIED. WHAT WAS I WAITING FOR. FREE suffering?=.=

Basically those are all the experiences which i have from the trip. I'm wondering is there any other people who went through the same kind of situation as me:P Thanks for reading:P