The Filter

There are times when I am particularly critical of a topic, or you can hear the stress in my voice on something. But every time an advice of considerable importance escaped my lips, it reeks. Advices, made simple, consist of experiences earned or heard. The quality of both are subjected to the source that distilled it. Products of an impure filter can be anything but pure.

My advices are provided under the pretext that I wouldn't want you to make the mistake I managed to avoid or make. It stinks for I sniffed the effort of imposing superiority. It reeks for I dread the impotence of advices which consist of just ''should'' and not ''how''. And when I might be aggressive to ensure the acceptance of the filtered product, I felt the stance is taken not against the beaker but rather the filter itself. Mostly, directed at the filter who had tainted itself.

Is the effort of imposing superiority a psychological deficiency of my being, or is it a greater malady of mankind themselves, with the sense of insecurity as the mother, and the father, the Hollow within.

A vacuum would fill itself relentlessly if, matter is present. Insecurity, being the consequence of inferiority, would seek compensation and through the effort, it attains it. But fuel needs replenishment for infinity is as of yet, beyond reach.

The Hollow within, however, aspires a different remedy, though of the same nature. The narcissist are those least assured of themselves and thus, repeatedly solicit recognition. It can manifests its symptoms like an empty box being proud of the brand imprinted, a.k.a. fusion, with the perceived superior being. Or venture, as a sign of strength, to overcome the perceived superior.
Either way in the end is still external strength, without the contents inside to support it, the struggle would only continue, and gravitate.

Acknowledging the demerits in my being is the beginning of the war opposing my own shortcomings. Perhaps total victory would forever elude me but for now, I shall strive to tilt it to my favor for that's in my opinion at least, more practical......

Saja-.-

Sat idly one winter Sunday night while listening to the winds slamming the apartment. The winter here became warmer for a period, only to rise in its ferocity, maiming the unnoticed. Having a dysfunctional heater did help initially, to create the illusion that something is being done. But how long can the sense be cheated of the warmth it deserved?

Before coming here, I never believed that I would get sentimental. I don't think that I would ever miss home. I have heard of people going overseas and cried for the first few weeks or months. I came here and settled down without so much as shedding a tear. I have always believed that indulging in feelings, as in, to let yourself cry is just a sign of weakness. Independence is a virtue held highly within our society. Especially required of male is the image reflecting strength, we hailed it as what consist a man.

But isn't the human body efficient in dispelling what it needed to? Just like how the composites of absorbed substances is expelled through strenuous muscle movements, the way snots arouse the fingers to work or when an uninvited guest makes their entrances only to be blew away by the royal guards. Why do tears have to be held up when everything else can be exited, with assistance. It is not without reason that a feeling of euphoria is achieved when these are executed. It's the body's way of telling what should be rewarded.

Or maybe I was lying. I have actually been of the opinion that men should cry instead of withholding it. This thought is further reinforced after reading a book called I Don't Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Real. It's just that I never felt like crying.

However, on the day of my second departure to Japan... I cried.... Well, nobody came to the airport so no one could possibly see it. But even if anyone did come, they probably couldn't. I only let it flew when I turned my back on the people seeing me off. I wonder for how long would they stay healthy and when I come back would everything remain as it was. The fact that I cried startled even myself. I didn't cry on my first departure but rather on my second. Perhaps it's probably because that I finished my exam and have too much leisure in my mind? A mind as idle as mine now allows for space to be sentimental.

Somehow, I felt that everything is felt more deeply when I am too free. Instead of flowing through everything like a stream through the riverbank, now it felt like water droplets dripping upon a rough surface. I kind of appreciate things more I guess. Just lying on the wall in a ''cool'' posture and pretending to be looking at something while have your thoughts flow freely. Time pass faster this way than me reading a book in the train, sometimes. And the best part is letting others think that this guy is thinking VERY DEEP THOUGHTS. Imagine the looks on their faces and the thoughts in their brain :p

Being an only child who has lived in the same room with his parents since young, I like to do something before I sleep, which is to chat with my parents before dozing off into dreamland. But I hardly do that since I don't know when. I don't have any brothers or sisters to talk with me before sleeping either. So sometimes I really like apartment stays when I can do that with my friends. But you can't have that frequently anyway. Thus, I was quite happy to have a roommate to do that with now but I'm moving out alone. I even think of switching on my mic and webcam on my computer to do it with any friends but I guess it's pointless. (besides it would be damn weird)

That's what about me lately I guess- .- Going to have a freaking English and Japanese exam soon. If I'm good I can skip those classes to which I wonder if I can. AND EVERYONE PLEASE DON'T JUST USE THE SHOUTBOX, PUT SOME COMMENTS ON THE POSTS LA :P

Personality Test

Many Thanks to Soony for his ''INSPIRATION'' in helping me filling this blog:p

The test can be taken from here
http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.asp

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

Actually.... I kinda think all of it is true... so not much to comment-.- (except the last one(the front half))

Motherland (Lyrics copied from Gendou)

君が旅立つ日は　いつもと同じ
「じゃあね」と手を振った
まるで明日もまた　この街で会うみたいに
愛を信じるのは　自分にも負けないこと
夢が叶う日まで　笑顔のまま星を見て祈り捧げここにいるから

私は君にとっての空でいたい　哀しみまでも包み込んで
いつでも見上げるときは　ひとりじゃないと
遠くで思えるように　帰る場所であるように

君がいない街で　相変わらずに元気で過ごしてる
それが今私にできること　そう思うから
どんな出来事にも　隠れてる意味があるの
夢が消えかけても　自分らしくいてほしい
どんなときもここにいるから

涙失くすほど強くなくてもいい　疲れた心休ませてね
素敵な明日を願い眠りについて　小さな子供のように
この広い世界はつながってる　白い雲は流れ風になって
君のもとへ

私の声は届きますか?
あふれる気持ち言えなかった

私は君にとっての空でいたい　哀しみまでも包み込んで
いつでも見上げるときは　ひとりじゃないと
遠くで思えるように　帰る場所であるように

帰る場所であるように

A song which express a lot...

To My Relatives in Australia Who Wondered why did I go to Japan Instead of Australia

Upon hearing the news that one of my aunt actually thought that I'm afraid of her nagging me too much in Australia, thus resulting in the cause of me refusing to go to Australia inspired me to write this since it has been quite some time since I last wrote any essay. I laughed upon hearing it for two reasons which I am aware of that puts me at ease. I'm sure that despite how close we are, there is still a line between a relative and a parent, hence nagging wouldn't be employed in containing my actions assuming that my life stays within certain borders. My nerdy lifestyle would be cited as the subsequent reason. Such way of living warrants attention only to my tidiness. For as long as a book is held in my hands, I am fulfilling most of my obligations. A teenager who doesn't exactly know how to have fun like any other teenagers in their elders' eyes is considered docile and obedient.

Proposing the assumption that I indeed went to Australia, I would enjoy the following conveniences. I would be able to stay in a house at least 4 times larger than the one I am staying in and perhaps 8 times larger than the so called rabbit hole which I am going to be staying in soon. I could be freed from the worries of using a cooler during summer and a heater during winter for it is not I who has to foot the bills. Not to mention that I can enjoy wonderful cookings by my relatives in hearty portion without me laying a finger. (though I think I would have to join in the cooking sooner or later) The former is obviously more favourable than say me eating what I cook. (Menu examples include curry which blessed me with diarrhea twice for twice it went through my own hands in preparation)(Lately though, I settle with frying eggs and eating rice which is easier and albeit tasteless is still nutritious.)

Going to Australia would mean bringing me closer to a culture which I am quite familiar with and in turn sparing me the trouble of learning a new culture. Even though one might say that I have been playing Japanese games and watching their cartoons since young but I would dare not say that I understand their culture and practising it would bring forth even more hardships. Liking their games and cartoons alone would not tempt me to go there for I can obtain their products anywhere. Learning a new language is in itself another matter to be overcame.

The decision to have my tertiary education in Japan is based solely upon the fact that the scholarships here are in abundance. I know that scholarships are not something which you can be sure of procurement but if you work hard enough you can increase the chances even if it's just of slight proportions. And if I actually allow myself to be lazy then I will have to bear the consequences of paying the full price of education resulting in me paying loans and tuitions through part time work. This might sound like a road of no return but only when there's no where to fall back can one bring out his true potentials and see his true nature. I too cannot deny the fact that the essay here sounds like some guy talking big or whatever and I might fail halfway and go back on all my words here but I am trying. Trying to see how far can I bring myself and even if I do fail, I shall see how can I pick up my own mess. And if I should fall below who I am now, I hope my family, relatives and friends would help whack some sense into me.