The feelings i never acknowledged........

I never believed……
I never thought……
I never felt……

Was it the feeling which I never believed? Was it the feeling I thought I would never feel? I’m feeling it now though even when I never thought I would……

I never believe that my emotions would be felt so strongly….. Rational and calculative are traits which I pride myself on and I believe that these two won’t coexist with emotions. A perception, the assumption that my moods and emotions hardly fluctuate kept me thinking that I wouldn’t be so attached to someone ever. Tears are rarely shed for anyone nor are there any longing for anyone except self induced attachment. Despite saying that I like something or someone I know I am just saying and asking myself to feel that way. Now, I don’t know whether I can still maintain what I perceived as myself……..

The thought of you flows through my mind every now and then. Nearly everything I see or hear conjures your image in my mind. You pop out in my mind ever so frequently and made me wonder what am I feeling. My only source of interpretation about this sort of fondness and longing comes from the media which encompasses movies, animes, comics and songs. I theorized that those are just parts of the plots of the story, an instrument to entice the viewers’ attention and interest, deducing that such circumstances would never occur in real life. A conclusion regarding the popularity of a story, those which are popular never fails to evoke the emotions within humans I came across long ago yet I didn’t, in this case, apply it. A resonance between the viewer and the story is vital to propel it to greatness. Then, why didn’t I believe that it exists? Perhaps, I never believed that I would have a chance to experience it? Maybe, when there is an inability to obtain what I desire, the self protecting mechanism embedded within me did that to shield me from harm. Deep within me, I know I yearn for it yet how am I supposed to admit it when I deemed it impossible for me to get it?

The moments with you are too precious and magical that the act of putting it down in words would be undermining how I felt precisely for I am unable to express myself the way I would like to. I longed to see you online as that would augur an interesting conversation.

Lately though, there isn’t much chance for even a nice conversation. A rift came into the picture, the rift titled “responsibilities”. Entertainment’s rightful place in form 5 is only a handful and for that it is to be ceased. For weeks communications and interactions betwixt us came to a halt. I hope to rekindle a tiny bit of it and believe it would start again but for weeks I have waited with fruitless results. When interactions cannot be brought outside it can be done internally. This is probably the time for the different sides of me to interact and to think through about what I felt. As time proceeds in its path, I found the feelings surged with more vigor than ever and I came closer to that feeling which I denied its existence……..

Help rendered without sincerity should be applauded too

Now, before anyone flame me for my title please halt. I am not indicating that help shouldn’t be given sincerely. First and foremost, I admire those who can put aside their self-interest for the sake of others. They are worthy of receiving salutations. A subject which crossed my mind am I going to delve deeper into would be that some held just isn’t rendered without any ulterior motives.

There exist those who help to receive in return. Sometimes, they are condemned for lacking sincerity, sometimes, they are said to be inhumane. Are they still human for they are extracting their greedy gains from those who need help and their suffering?

Let’s take donation for example. Let us say the person who is donating a lump sum of $100,000 to the victims of blab la bla is called Mr Hiao. The only reason Mr Hiao is willing to part with his money is because he gains something by doing so. It is a four letter word which starts with the letter F.

F _ _ _

Now for the million cents answer….. I don’t know what ran through your mind just now but the answer to that question is Fame.

The “opportunistic” Hiao hopes to be under the spotlight of fame. He announced the sum he would be donating. Not only that, he made a BIG deal out of it, inviting the media to publicize his philanthropic efforts. Obviously the public isn’t fools. Their X-ray vision can see through his true intentions like a goldfish in a bowl. He is condemned for his actions.

If you were one of the public, would you hate him and regard him in disgust?

Objective question

A Yes B No

In my opinion, many would probably pick A as we are taught to believe that help must be given sincerely without expecting any in return. There are people needing our assistance and we should just give them generously. Should we, really condemn him for his actions? I don’t think so…..

So what if this Mr Hiao didn’t offer his donations with sincerity? So what if he wants to gain a little publicity for himself? Let’s go through the very purpose of a donation. In this case, the donations are made to ease the victims of their agony. By giving them some assistance in terms of cash we are relieving them of their financial burden. In other words, the victims receive their aid by us giving donations even if the donations aren’t given sincerely.

Why should we condemn those who decide to gain something from it then? Those who seek fame via charity actually pay a lot for it. In the end, the victims receive more. Our real aim is to help the victims after all. Besides, allowing them some five minutes of fame wouldn’t hurt us, right?